Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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