She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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