A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
