youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
