maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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