My sheets look like a crime scene.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
