Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
