Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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