At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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