Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
