somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
