i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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