it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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