I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
