They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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