My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
