I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
