genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
