You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My bed smells like the plague
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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