you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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