I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
