ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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