Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
