so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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