FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
