my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
