woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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