This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
