Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
