There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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