I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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