Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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