Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
