Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My liver just had a heart attack.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
