I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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