When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
