he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
