I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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