It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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