i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
