Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
