I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
