and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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