are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
