Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
