I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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