I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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