thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
