At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
one might say we're banned from that church
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
