I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
